Even with our differences, we are unified by a truth: we were brought into this world by a mother. Many of us have even had the opportunity to become moms, by giving birth, through adoption, or by joining someone else’s family. With each of my children, giving birth was a life-altering experience … and changed me in all the best ways. Yet, in the 15 years since giving birth to my first, it’s been a race for a balanced life.

Some of the most important lessons I’ve learned for balanced life in motherhood, happened early: miracles are indeed possible; giving to another is more fulfilling than taking for myself; and the depth of love we can have for another is beyond what I thought humanly possible. The once-daunting realization that I’d have to sacrifice my comfort for the sake of my child, became a given. Instead of feeling like a requirement, it felt like an honored duty … with not a shadow of doubt. If faced with the dilemma, I would not hesitate to put the needs of my children over my own.

And that is where the dance began … the dance of a balanced life … of my needs with the needs of my kids.

Early on, I couldn’t see what was in store for me. I didn’t know that hot meals would become a thing of the past. Nor did I imagine that my understanding of tiredness would be tested, expanded, and laughed at. Even the sense of order in my world, would rapidly disappear and be replaced with various levels of chaos, forcing me to recreate a new sense of order again and again for years to come.

Motherhood was exhausting, yet fulfilling ... until it wasn’t. It was in fact opposite of the balanced life. At some point, the balance tipped, allowing myself to be drained further than was healthy. My ability to bounce back was reduced, and the ability to recover from the constant outpouring of love I showered on my children became almost impossible. Soon I discovered that my love tank could be emptied … with nothing left to give—at a time when my kids needed me most.

Then it hit me. The revelation — either I was going to be swallowed up, or I needed to become stronger than the force pulling me down. For a more balanced life, I needed strength for life. 

I didn’t want to be caught on empty just when my kids needed me. I wanted the ability to recover quickly, so I could continue to pour into the lives of my little ones. After much trial and error, I’ve settled upon the three healthy steps that actually work...that I still practice daily for a balanced life. These are the three steps to a balanced life in motherhood.

Set Boundaries

Over the past 14 years, my success at maintaining a balance between me-time and time for my family has varied. Especially in the earliest years, I erred on the side of self-sacrifice. That meant not showering for days on end, or skipping my workouts for one or two months at a time. Those earliest diaper changing days are tough ones to keep healthy boundaries around...especially because as new mothers, we believe we should do it all. Yet, choosing to put everyone else’s needs first, made me weaker and fatigued. I was drained and desperate to recover.

At some point, my survival instinct kicked in and the pendulum swung in the other direction... spending too much time on myself, whether at the gym or on my device. I had little time or motivation remaining to support my family. Those earlier days of self-sacrifice had left no space for my needs...and I was desperate to remember who I was. My kids and husband were left to handle more and more things on their own.

Although I wasn’t entirely sure how to do it, I knew it was time to strike a balance. Caring for my kids wasn’t the problem. Taking time for myself wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I didn’t know how to set boundaries. I had gone well beyond the little self-sacrificial moments that most moms give to their kids through encouragement. I had become drained…negating my ability to actually help my children.

It was clear...I needed to learn how to set boundaries. My inability to establish healthy boundaries was getting in the way of me being able to feel joy in the important relationships of my life.

I was raised in a household where boundaries simply meant following a star chart for chores … setting healthy boundaries was new training ground for me. I had to figure out how to say “no” … to the behaviors that agitated me and made it difficult for me to want to connect, so that I could once again say “yes” … to the things that brought me joy.

I eventually learned how to set healthy boundaries in place, but to get through this transition from having poor boundaries to establishing healthy ones, I needed strength for the life I wanted while saying no to what I didn’t want.

Get More Energy

If you are like most parents, you desire to forge relationships with your children that last into their adulthood. You don’t want them to see you in a weakened state that is drained with their every whim, but instead, you want them to see a person who uses inner stability coupled with external flexibility so you can pour into their lives when needed.

Learning how to get more energy to help and empower my kids took preparation. I needed to exercise daily, improve my eating habits, and get lots of rest. I even had to take time for quiet introspection to determine who I was and what my heart was capable of expressing. All of these things required me carving out and committing to the time required to get them done. 

To get in my workout meant packing my gym bag the night before, and scheduling the kids in the gym nursery. To eat well consistently meant that I’d have to set aside time to plan, shop, and prepare the food. And getting more rest meant singing my kids to bed with one song (instead of three), and teaching them to fall asleep on their own. The more diligent I was in managing these areas of my life, in how to get more energy … gave me the strength I needed to maintain strong boundaries.

A friend of mine shared, “Rebecca, it’s impossible in life to stay in the same place. We are always either growing or shrinking.” She was right. Either I needed to commit to my growth and strength, or be content to shrink and become weak. As someone who knew the challenges a child faces when raised by a sick mother, there was and still is an easy choice. No matter how many times I’d fall or fail, the commitment to get back up and work towards strength was set. My new focus was on how to get more energy to pour into my children’s lives.

Prioritize Self-Care

I soon questioned how much me-time is too much. There were no clear answers and I wasn’t in the mood to decide without an expert’s advice. That’s when I came across a wise woman who suggested that modeling self-care is critical to our children. The woman told me that the only way for my children to live balanced lives, as adults and once they’d become parents, was for them to first see me demonstrate how to do it. In other words, my time strengthening myself to be a better mom would help them see the importance of balance through self-care for the sake of their future self … and relationships.

I realized that every time I demonstrated how to care for myself, my kids considered taking care of themselves too. I became a living example of what self-care and family/life balance looked like. My kids immediately benefited from having a daily example that they could imitate or emulate. My time of self-care became a teaching tool for my kids to learn how to care for themselves for balance.

It’s the rule rather than the exception. Children, especially daughters, keep a keen eye tuned to their moms. What they witness is taken to heart. Moms who exercise regularly inspire their daughters to do the same. Moms who don’t take the time for self-care will likely find children who don’t either. The great truth though is that it’s never too late to change. As you take the steps to create the self-care that brings strength and healthy boundaries to your family, you set the example of change. You teach your children, no matter what their age, that growth, strength and balance are possible.

Set into motion habits for balanced life in motherhood:

• Set boundaries for what you need and want

• Get more energy through daily exercise

• Model self-care for your sake and as an example to your family

The benefits you’ll receive are great.You’ll feel good about yourself, like the person you see in the mirror, and reconnect with the joy of being with your family. You’ll also be confident, knowing you are capable of being there when your kids need you most. And, you’ll be training them to do the same for themselves … in caring for their own health, and taking care of their families when that day comes.

—    Coach Rebecca