Name it. Own it. Transform it.
"Care for your psyche...know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves."
--Socrates
Considering Socrates’ wisdom can be linked to the 400s BC … what I’m about to share is nothing new.
Yet, the message never gets old. Why? … because we all forget.
Even with intentionally naming, owning, and transforming my thoughts, feelings, and actions for 25 years …
I still need to remind myself of how important the process is.
"Watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words, they become actions; watch your actions, they become habits; watch your habits, they become character; watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."
--Frank Outlaw
Every action we take begins with a single thought,
and those thoughts originate from our beliefs.
Many of our beliefs directly reflect our values.
I personally value:
health
strength
courage
honesty
and the pursuit of truth and beauty
Yet, sometimes our beliefs correspond with less noble ways of interacting with the world. I’m still working to change some of these:
I have to fight against a scarcity mindset … especially with food. As a result, I’m likely to overeat if I’m really anxious about something.
I’m still working to rewire that mindset of “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. This belief creates a sensitivity to stressful situations … even if the outcome is completely outside my control.
Or, how about the belief that if I take care of everyone else, I’ll be safe and ok. That’s one of those dead-end beliefs. Not only will we never make everyone happy, but we completely lose touch with who we are as a result. Double trouble.
So, how DO we go about changing our beliefs?
The answer is fairly simple, yet requires commitment to execute.
Name it
Own it
Transform it (aka - ask the right questions)
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Here’s how this works:
Something happens, and you feel bad about it. The first thing to do is write down your feelings and thoughts.
Step 1 - Name it. What I’m talking about here is naming a thought.
[side note: beliefs run so deep (especially the negative ones), that we can’t really get at them head-on. Instead, we have to enter through the back door … our thoughts]
The key to this step is to WRITE IT DOWN. We already have so many thoughts jumbled up in our mind, that we can’t just let the thought sit there.
Get out a piece of paper, and write down the thought(s) in your head.
Let’s say the situation was this: you’d just sat down on your favorite couch with a treasured book after being on your feet all day … when your spouse walks intensely into the room, slams down his bag, looks at you straight in the eyes with an angry look, and stomps off.
Here’s where you write down your thought.
If you’re like many wives, this situation would send off a whole bunch of “bad feeling” thoughts:
I did something wrong again
What a jerk. Can’t a woman relax for even 5 minutes?
He must be mad about … [fill in the blank with whatever you fell short on recently]
Choose your top two or three thoughts and write them down.
Next to each thought, write down how much you believe the thought (0-100%)
"I did something wrong again” 100%
“What a jerk…” 90%
“He must be mad…” 70%
Step 2 - Own it - What I’m talking about here is owning how it makes you feel.
[side note: it can be tricky to own our feelings … keep it simple.]
Just like with Step 1, you’re going to write them down.
Identify the strongest feelings, and put them on paper.
Some biggies when it comes to feelings are: angry, disappointed, frustrated, embarrassed, ashamed, furious, defeated, anxious.
Write down the feeling, and next to it, how strong/intense it feels:
Angry 70%
Frustrated 90%
Anxious 60%
Step 3 - Transform it - Lastly, you get to the magic step of asking the right questions.
You will still write something down in this step, but only after you’ve answered the questions in your mind.
The key here is to gently and firmly question your assumptions.
Here are a few to get you started:
Is there an alternative explanation?
What is the effect of me believing my automatic thought? What could be the effect of me changing my thinking?
What is the evidence that the automatic thought is true? Not true?
After you’ve asked yourself these questions, you are going to write down alternative thoughts:
Instead of: “I did something wrong again”
Try out: “I’m not sure what’s going on with him to create that anger, but it might have nothing to do with me, and I’m going to find out instead of jumping to assumptions.”Instead of: “What a jerk. Can’t a woman relax for even 5 minutes?”
Try out: “I can’t really know what this is about without asking. And by me thinking that he’s attacking me, I’m more likely to make him more angry by being defensive.”And instead of: “He must be mad about … [fill in the blank with whatever you fell short on recently]”
Try out: “He didn’t actually say anything about being mad at me. Usually if he’s angry about something I’ve done, he’ll say something directly to me. This probably has to do with something else. I’m going to find out if he wants to talk.”
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Once you’ve gone through this process, the final step is to look back at your initial thoughts and feelings and see if they’ve changed.
Instead of 90% for “What a jerk…”, has it gone down to perhaps 70%, or maybe even 50%?
And instead of your Frustration being 90%, has it dropped at all … to 60% or 50%?
The transformative power of this exercise is one of walking along stepping stones. You need to take the steps to get to the other side … rather than it being one big leap.
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Changing our beliefs is a gradual process:
by starting with our thoughts
we can change how we feel
which then alters how we view a situation and how we act
… and this requires multiple passes before we can transform a belief
into something that builds us up rather than wears us down.
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Give this system a try.
To make it super simple, I’m sharing the form I use … right here.
Click on this button to start using it.
I challenge you to see how you can transform your thoughts (and your feelings, actions, and beliefs as a result) … simply by questioning some of your assumed thoughts that are holding you hostage.
It’s time to break free from the negative thoughts and emotions that hinder your growth.
And if you’re looking for help in overcoming those barriers … click this button and book a Free Call Today!
Helping you achieve “Strength for Life … in a body you love.”
-Rebecca